Space Turtles part Deux- Revisited
by Oboebyrd
Summary: A reformatting of my old Story: Space Turtles, for your reading pleasure.
1. Necessary and Proper Prologue

Space Turtles Part Deux- There never was a part one, I guess!

The Necessary and Proper Prologue. 

Oboebyrd: Walks in, holding her head high Yes, FINALLY I have gotten around to reformatting this puppy! Grammar mistakes, missing words, and mis-spelling Vorik aside, I just felt it needed… something. Mainly chapters. ^_^

BUT, it's exactly the same as before, so don't any of you go getting excited or anything!

Now, I'm sure SOME of you have noticed that in my stories, I reference my current story with stories that have gone before. I do that not on purpose, but since I do not plan. I write a title, then start typing, and never with any idea where I'm going. That's why this is all incredibly random and laced with subplots that make no sense. But, I'm told, that's what's funny about it. ^_^

Anyway, be prepared- here comes the new and improved Space Turtles part Deux! There never was a part one, I guess…

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	2. In which Tuvok blows up innocent space c...

Space Turtles Part Deux- In which Tuvok blows up innocent space-land sea creatures

Disclaimer: I neither own Star Trek: Voyager, nor aspire to own it. Space Turtles are mine, as is Frogwoman the Eternal and everything else she's called.

~~~~~~~~

"Captain! We're detecting something off our port bow!" Harry Kim announced.

Captain Katherine Janeway turned. Improperly placed stage-lighting made her look like she was glowing. "Have you identified what it is?" She asked. 

"I think... I think it's a space turtle!" Harry announced.

"A... space turtle?" Janeway asked, and the scary-Voyager music began. "Are you certain?"

"Not really." Harry replied.

"Put this 'space turtle' up on sensors, Mr. Kim." Janeway ordered.

Harry stared at the counsel. "The blue button, Mr. Kim." Tuvok supplied.

"I knew that..." Harry muttered defensively, and pressed down on the blue button.

A picture of a giant, blue turtle appeared on the view screen. It was chewing on the port nacelle. The scary music began to crescendo.

"A space turtle!" The entire crew exclaimed.

"Amazing! Let's contact it! Harry, send a message to it, all frequencies." Janeway said.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes, Commander?" Janeway replied, looking over.

"I hate to be a party pooper, but..." 

"But what?" Janeway asked.

"It's a turtle, captain." Chakotay said. "I doubt it can answer our hails."

"What makes you think that?" Janeway asked.

"Captain... I realize that making incredible leaps of logic or being at all smart isn't really my department, but shouldn't we do something to stop it from chewing up our engines?" Tom Paris asked.

"Ssssh, lieutenant, I'm thinking." Janeway replied.

"No answer to our hails, Captain." Harry announced.

Chakotay looked over triumphantly. "See? A space turtle. Turtles can't talk."

"But turtles aren't supposed to fly around in space, either..." Janeway replied.

Chakotay thought about that one.

"Well, are we going to do something about the turtle or just ignore it?" Seven of Nine wondered from her temporary post at a science consul.

"I say we do something about it." B'Elana announced savagely, pounding her fist into her opened palm.

"What're you doing up here?" Janeway demanded. "Get! Shoo! Go back to engineering!"

"Errrm... okay, Captain." B'Elana said, and retreated from her engineering station to the turbolift.

As soon as the doors shut, Tuvok voiced his opinions. "Lieutenant Torres's suggestion of "doing something about it" is a most prudent course of action, Captain."

"Of course it is... I just didn't want her on the bridge... she's spooky. Alright, Tuvok, fire a light phaser blast on It's nose... Don't hurt it, just scare it away." Janeway ordered.

Tuvok rose one eyebrow, and aimed the phasers. Seven of Nine considered Janeway's last remark. "Spooky, Captain?" She asked.

"Yes, spooky. Now sssssh, or Ill kick you off the bridge, too..." Janeway said.

Seven turned back to her consul and stayed silent. Janeway grinned. She loved the power!

The Captain watched the turtle on the view screen as the phaser shot towards it. It hit the turtle on the nose.

The turtle exploded.

"Tuvok!" Janeway exclaimed. "I said a LIGHT phaser beam! What didn't you understand about that?" She demanded.

"My apologies, captain. It appears that the turtle had ingested some plasma from the nacelles, causing to become an explosive agent, and thus..." The Vulcan began.

"Stow it, Tuvok. Now we have a dead turtle on our hands... and our ship... and the surrounding space, and if there's any more of them, they will NOT be happy." Janeway growled.

"If you just said that they couldn't answer hails, what makes you think they're smart enough to understand what just happened?" Chakotay asked.

"And how can you truly be certain that there are more of them?" Seven of Nine asked.

"Sssssshhh!!" Janeway hissed at Seven and Chakotay. "You're ruining our plot! It wasn't very well thought out, you know!"

The turbolift doors slid open.

"I can develop a sensor grid to keep us invisible to the space turtles, Captain!" B'Elana exclaimed. "Then we won't have to worry about if they are angry or not!"

"Didn't I tell you to get off the bridge?" Janeway asked.

"Yes... but..."

"Off! Off! GET!!!" Janeway ordered.

Grumbling under her breath, B'Elana went back into the turbolift. 

"Captain... are you in good health?" Seven asked.

"Sssssh!"

Tom and Harry had decided to keep it safe and stay silent during this disturbing exchange. Harry wandered over to Tom's consul.

"It sounds like she has an air leak." He muttered.

Tom chuckled quietly.

Janeway looked deep in thought. "Alright, Chakotay, I have an idea." She said.

"What?" Chakotay asked cautiously. 

"We'll have B'Elana rig up a forcefield and..."

"I thought you said you didn't want her on the bridge." Chakotay said. "Too spooky."

"Oh, right. I forgot about that." Janeway said, and went back to thinking. "Hhhmmm..."

"Captain, may I offer my assistance at this point? I can construct a Borg forcefield, which will block our ship from visual confirmation by the space turtles, and do the exact same thing as B'Elana's force field, only glow green and look real Borgish." Seven said.

"Tell me, Seven, did the Borg ever assimilate any of these space turtles?" Janeway asked.

Seven considered this. "I believe they were too "silly" of an idea for the Borg to assimilate them." 

Janeway nodded. "Hmmm..."

"Captain! We're picking up three more space turtles on long-range sensors!" Harry announced.

Janeway looked up. "Red alert!"

Chakotay looked pained. "Tom broke it, remember?"

"I didn't mean to!" Tom protested.

"Well, figure out how to do red alert somehow..." Janeway said.

Chakotay walked over to the main light switch, which was located behind Tuvok's station. He tapped his commbadge and began screaming, "WHoop! WHoop! WHoop!" And flashing the lights on the entire ship on and off.

"Okay, Commander!" Janeway shouted. She paused. Chakotay continued. "Commander!" She gritted her teeth together. "CHAKOTAY THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Chakotay sat down very quickly. "Sorry, Captain."

"Can you please turn the lights back on?" Janeway asked.

Chakotay switched back on the lights. "Yes Captain."

"Okay. Now that everyone is forewarned... Mr. Paris, prepare for warp 3!" Janeway exclaimed.

"Aye Captain!" Tom exclaimed.

The mighty engines of Voyager powered up with an impressive whir. 

Then, it unexpectedly powered down with a sad-sounding grind.

Janeway blinked. She tapped her commbadge. "Lieutenant Torres." She said, her voice becoming too silky and soft to be anything but completely enraged. "What is wrong with our engines?"

"When the lights were flipping on and off, one of the Ensigns got skittish and ran right into the warp core. Cracked it even. We have shattered glass all over the place..." B'Elana replied.

"And you're not all dead from the plasma?" Janeway wondered.

"Oh, no, who worries about continuity?" B'Elana replied.

"Thank you. Janeway out." Janeway said. She stood up and began pounding her head on the railing behind her chair. 

((THWACK!!)) ((THWACK!!)) ((THWACK!!))

"Commander?" Tom asked, turning to Chakotay, who was still sitting on the floor behind Tuvok's station.

"Hmm... yes?" Chakotay asked.

"What should we do about the space turtles?" Tom wondered.

((THWACK!!)) ((THWACK!!)) ((THWACK!))

Seven looked over at Tuvok. "I think the Captain is not taking this too well." She said.

Tuvok rose one eyebrow. "Indeed."

"Are the space turtles still in pursuit?" Janeway asked, after she had finished causing herself physical damage.

"Captain, we have not moved from our last position." Tuvok said. "The space turtles are still coming."

"Well... then... grrrr!" Janeway said, sounding a little frustrated. "Janeway to Lieutenant Torres."

"Torres here, Captain." B'Elana's voice came back over the commsystem.

"Torres...are those engines online yet?" Janeway demanded.

"Almost, Captain. We're just vacuuming up the pixie dust." 

"Pixie dust?" The entire crew asked in unison.

B'Elana sounded annoyed. "Yes... Pixie dust... what else do you think our warp core was powered by?"

"Pixie dust... it never comes out of anything..." Tom muttered.

"Plasma, maybe?" Janeway suggested.

B'Elana started laughing. "Uh huh, sure... what ancient sci-fi book have YOU been reading?" B'Elana asked.

"LIEUTENANT!" Janeway bellowed. B'Elana immediately fell silent. "Just vacuum up that pixie dust, and get the warp core back online! At least give us impulse engines..."

"We've had impulse engines." B'Elana interrupted.

Janeway turned to Tom. "Mr. Paris... then why aren't we moving?" She demanded.

Tom looked down at his consul blankly, and then a flashbulb seemed to appear above his head... actually, it had been dropped from above and was hanging on a string. It bounced off of his head, and that seemed to give him an idea. "Right! The blue button!" He exclaimed.

Voyager went into full impulse power, gliding serenely along. The space turtles reoriented, and followed them. "Can you go any faster, Mr. Paris?" Janeway asked calmly.

"Uhhhhmmmmmmm... no." Paris replied. "Sorry, Captain."

"Captain, may I suggest we take offensive measures against these space turtles?" Tuvok asked.

"After what you did to the LAST turtle, It's no wonder they're following us!" Janeway exclaimed. "I think you've done just about enough."

"Probability states that the turtles, having not ingested any of the plasma from our warp cores, are not going to explode as the last unfortunate one did earlier." Tuvok replied.

"I concur." Seven agreed.

::Messhall::

Neelix was standing casually behind his counter, stirring his newest torture. He had just scraped it off of the ship's hull, and found that it was organic, and thus, edible.

He was humming a merry tune to himself. In fact, it actually had something to do with an ancient space turtle song that his great ancestors had sung. It went something like this...

"Mmmmmmhhmmmm hmmmm mmhhhhh..."

Remember that he was humming.

As Neelix stirred, he slowly looked upwards, and regarded the three approaching blue blobs. "Hmmm..." Neelix thought, and looked down at his soup. He looked back up at the three approaching blobs, and then back at the soup.

A thought began to slowly creep across his mind. For a second, it searched around, and then found Neelix's brain and kicked it.

Neelix jumped. "Oh my goodness!" He exclaimed. "There are more space turtles! I bet they will be very angry to realize that I have used one of their people in making soup!" 

He looked around. Where could he hide the soup? Where could he hide the soup?

He watched as a few crewmembers came walking in. "Hello! Good morning! I have a great surprise for you..."

That's where he would hide the soup...

::Engineering::

"VORIK! GET OUT OF MY WAY!" B'Elana screamed.

The Vulcan hastily raced to the side of engineering and pressed himself against the wall as the chief engineer went storming past.

"Are you troubled, Lieutenant Torres?" Vorik asked, dislodging himself from the bulkheads to follow B'Elana at a safe distance.

"Yes... yes Vorik... I am troubled." B'Elana growled, kicking up puffs of pixie dust as she paced. "I have the perfect way to save Voyager from these blue space amphibians, and the Captain won't let me on the bridge! Too spooky, she says. I'll show her spooky... grrrr..." She muttered under her breath. "...and then, she yells at me because some how it was wrong to be upset that the warp core was broken? Grrrrrrrr..."

Vorik allowed a safe pause. "Lieutenant?" He asked cautiously.

"Yes, Vorik?" B'Elana growled, bending down to scoop up a tricorder.

"Reptiles."

"What?" B'Elana demanded.

"Reptiles. Turtles are reptiles." Vorik repeated.

B'Elana fixed him with a disturbing smile and stare. "Vorik... I am going to fire this phaser at you with the intent to cause you physical harm."

"Of course, Lieutenant. I understand." Vorik said, and leaped behind one of the counsels.

B'Elana turned to see Lieutenant Carey stalking towards a pile of pixie dust with a broom and dustpan. She saw the broom.

::Flashback::

Scene: Broom smacking Tuvok over the head

Scene: Disembodied broom smacking Tuvok over the head.

Scene: Burning broom smacking Tuvok over the head

""AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!! DON'T DO IT CAREY!"" B'Elana screamed.

Carey had already begun sweeping. "What?" He asked.

The broom yanked itself out of Carry's grip. "Excuse me! Don't you know that It's IMPOSSIBLE to get pixie dust out of straw?" It demanded.

""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"" Everyone in Engineering screamed. "IT'S THE BROOM!"

"Yes indeed." The Broom said dryly.

~~~~~~~~~~

****


	3. In which Chakotay dances

Space Turtles Part deux: Chapter 2- In which Chakotay dances 

Disclaimer: I own the broom! I forgot to mention this before, but really-all the living appliances- mine, 'cause I've done it before. I'm KNOWN for my movable appliances, people! 

::The Bridge::

Janeway was staring out the view screen, watching nervously as the blue space turtles chased her ship. "Well... Tuvok... if you're SURE that the turtles won't explode..." She said carefully.

"The probably of having a second space turtle explode before it has ingested plasma of any sort is 234,247,235.47 to one." Tuvok said.

"Well... if It's that good..." Janeway said carefully.

"Captain? May I offer a suggestion?" Chakotay asked.

"Only if you get out of Tuvok's station and come sit where you're supposed to." Janeway said.

"Oh, right." Chakotay said, and stood up, hurrying over to his chair. "I suggest we try to communicate with it." Janeway stared at him. "It's not THAT far fetched, Captain..." Chakotay said, looking uncomfortable.

Janeway shook her head. "It's not that... It's just that YOU were the one saying I was insane for trying to communicate with the space turtles..."

Chakotay considered this.

Ten minutes later, he was still considering, and the crew was beginning to get a little worried. "Captain. We should take some form of defense against the space turtles."

"Right." Janeway said. "Mr. Tuvok, fire."

Tuvok fired phasers on the lead Turtle...

…it exploded.

"MR. TUVOK!" Janeway bellowed.

"My apologies captain!" Tuvok said, showing a slight sign of strain. "My calculations did not foresee the explosion of a second space turtle without the ingestion of plasma!" 

The turtles regarded their exploded companion, and looked at Voyager. Snail-quick thoughts were racing through their brains. Maybe this whole "eat the starship" game wasn't so much fun anymore...

Janeway glared at her Vulcan tactical officer. A vein in her forehead was beginning to twitch. "My apologies, Captain!" Tuvok repeated.

Janeway's commbadge suddenly beeped. Janeway tapped it. "Janeway here."

"Captain? This is Lieutenant Torres." B'Elana's voice came over the commlink.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" Janeway asked, sounding rather annoyed. "What's the problem this time?"

"Uuhhhmmm... remember the broom?" B'Elana asked.

"THE BROOM?" The entire bridge crew screamed. "AAAAUUUGGHHHH!!!!"

"It's back." B'Elana said.

"AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Was the reply.

Down in engineering, B'Elana covered her ears. For some reason that seemed worse than the collective shriek from the engineering crew... oh well. "Uhhmm... it sort of wants to talk to you, Captain." B'Elana continued.

"Absolutely not. Shoot it and get it over with." Janeway replied.

"Uh... that's the problem... it sort of has a phaser pointed at all of us..." B'Elana continued.

"Deal with it yourself. We have Space Turtles up here. You're the chief engineer... didn't you learn anything about diplomacy? Janeway out."

"Uh..." B'Elana said, and then turned and grinned cheerfully at the Broom. "I have something to discuss with my engineering crew..."

Up on the bridge, Chakotay was staring at Janeway. "What?" Janeway demanded, getting a little annoyed. He had been staring for the past thirty minutes.

Chakotay's only reply was a slight drool.

"Helloooo... Chakotay?" Janeway asked, waving her hand in front of his face. "Very well... go plan a surprise attack against the broom. Just don't get killed... I don't want Tuvok as my first officer."

"Alright, Captain." Chakotay exclaimed, leaping to his feet and racing right smack dab into the turbolift doors.

Tuvok rose his eyebrows disdainfully at the Captain. He then turned his disdainful gaze to Chakotay, who was busy peeling himself off of the turbolift doors.

::Sickbay::

"Doctor! Doctor! More patients are becoming sick!" A crewmember yelled.

"The reason patients are here is because they are sick, Ensign." The Doctor said, taking out another hyper spray and injecting the next crewmember that walked in. "That's why I'm treating them. It is the crewmembers who are becoming sick."

"Ooooh... right!" The Ensign exclaimed cheerfully.

"Have you determined what's making everyone sick?" The Doctor asked, standing by the door and injecting the cure to the tummy-ache into the next crewmember that walked in.

"Well... they all came from Neelix's kitchen..." The Ensign started.

"That explains it." The Doctor said, and injected another crewmember.

"Well... they ate what Neelix called "Space Turtle Surprise"." The Ensign continued.

"Oh, not much of a surprise then, huh?" The Doctor wondered, injecting another crewmember that came in, completely green.

"Yeah... well... he says he scraped it off the hull." The Ensign said doubtfully. "Though I don't know how he managed to FIT inside one of our space suits..."

"Mmmhmmm..." The Doctor said, injecting the next crewmember to walk in.

The crewmember stumbled around, and collapsed to his knees. "I came... here... because I... sprained... my wrist in the... holo...decks..." The Ensign gasped, and fell over, dead.

The Doctor rose both eyebrows, and looked over at the medical Ensign. "Oops."

The Ensign shook his head. "The captain ain't gonna like this..."

::Between decks 13 and 14::

Chakotay crawled through the Jeffrey's tubes.

Sure... it was easier to get to Engineering by taking the turbolift. But after the stupid machine had clearly stated It's intentions not to allow him access, he had to use the Jeffrey's tubes.

It was humiliating at best.

A few minutes later, he arrived above engineering. He saw the engineers clustered around a panel. B'Elana was screaming at the top of her lungs at Carey. Some of the words she was using were not viewer-friendly. 

Chakotay dropped down out of the Jeffrey's tube. "I'm here!" He exclaimed.

The engineers all turned. Chakotay turned. The Broom poked him in the nose with a phaser. "What are you doing here?" He demanded.

"I came to dance tango." Chakotay said, smiling weakly.

"What? So dance..." The broom said, sneering, if that was even possible.

Chakotay grabbed the nearest Engineer and began dancing with him.

"Sir...I find this highly disturbing." Vorik protested in his calm voice.

The Broom looked slightly disgusted.

Janeway read the two new reports, and glared once more at Tuvok. She stood up, and began pacing.

"Okay... let me see if I have got this straight." Janeway said. "My ship is being chased by two hungry Space Turtles, which are now slightly enraged due to the fact that we have just BLOWN UP two of them. My chief engineer, first officer, and in fact my ENTIRE ENGINEERING STAFF is being held captive by a piece of wooden cleaning equipment that wasn't even supposed to be on the ship anyway. The doctor has just killed another extra we could have used for another scene, and Neelix has poisoned half the crew with his Space Turtle soup. Have I missed anything?"

"Harry's talking to the Gnome again." Tom tattled.

Janeway growled at Tom, and looked over at Harry, who was indeed talking to something that wasn't there. She glowered at Tom some more.

"Uhhhh... other than that Captain, no, you've pretty much summed up the story so far!" Tom said quickly. 

Janeway nodded. "Good. I'm glad we all have that straight." She said. She walked over to the railing behind her chair and began hitting her head on it again... and again and again and again...

Tuvok and Seven traded another Glance, and both heaved unison sighs of disdain.

Picard came racing onto the scene before the cast could continue their performance. "Stop all this! Stop it! I demand to see some serious stuff! This is too silly! Entirely too silly!"

Chakotay pointed at the broom. "It's his fault!"

Picard nodded. "Understood. Worf?"

Worf came racing onto the set. He grabbed the broom, snapped it in half, and walked away, picking his teeth with part of it.

"Uhhmm... thanks. I could have done that!" B'Elana shouted.

"No you couldn't!" Worf replied.

"Yuh huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

B'Elana picked up a piece of the broom. "Listen, you want to debate this?"

"I'm game!" Worf rumbled.

"AAAUUGGHHH!!!!" They both shouted, and began beating each other over the head with the broomsticks.

Tom sniffled. "But B'Elana... that was our activity for later tonight!"

Harry picked up the gnome and threw him at Picard.

"Aaaah! It's Q!" Picard screamed.

Janeway walked over and stood in the middle of the set. "GET OFF OF MY SHIP!"

Immediately Picard, Worf, and the Gnome were gone. "Alright." Janeway said calmly. "Now let's get on with the story..."

Janeway tried to get order instilled back over her crew after that incident.

Tom was whining to B'Elana, who now had splinters in her head from being hit over the head with the broom. Vorik was having another emotional overload, and was chasing Chakotay with the rose that the commander had tried to get Vorik to clench between his teeth during their tango maneuver.

The Doctor was writing up a report for the dead Ensign, "Ah, Ensign #47, we knew ye well..." and Harry was throwing a temper tantrum because his Gnome had left. Tuvok and Seven were staring blankly at their counsels, trying to ignore everyone. Naomi was piloting the ship. Neelix was trying to get more crew members to eat his Space Turtle Surprise.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Janeway screamed.

That worked. Everyone stopped talking and turned to the captain, some of them with their mouths still half-opened. "Thank you." Janeway said. "Now, if we can please get back to the story on hand..."

"Right-o!", Tom exclaimed.

At that exact moment, a Space Turtle caught up with Voyager and began chewing on its engine. "TUVOK! Find some other way to get rid of those things WITHOUT blowing them up." Janeway commanded.

"Captain... something's coming into the ship!" Seven announced.

"A little less vague, Seven?" Janeway ordered.

"The Space turtle, captain... It's releasing little tiny space turtles into our ship!" Seven announced.

The space turtle in question suddenly exploded. "My apolo---" Tuvok began.

"Shove it, Tuvok." Janeway growled. "What do you mean, Turtles are coming onto our ship? How many?"

"About three big ones, and a bunch of itty bitty ones, Captain." Seven said.

"Itty bitty?" The entire crew asked.

"That's what the computer says..." Seven said, waving her hands helplessly at the imprecise instrument.

"What... you mean we've been SPORED?" B'Elana demanded.

"That's what it would appear to be." Seven said coolly.

Suddenly, one of the larger space turtles, which had been sent onto the ship, skittered onto the bridge. Tuvok pulled out his phaser. He fired.

The turtle exploded, and the entire bridge and the crew were covered in turtle guts.

"TUUUUVOK!!!!!!" Janeway shrieked, as some turtle intestine dripped down her forehead.

"I believe I shall make myself absent for this place at this time." Tuvok said.

"That would be wise." Seven agreed.

"Seven." Janeway said.

"Yes Captain?" Seven asked, looking up from her counsel.

"Can we use your nanoprobes to get rid of the Space Turtles?" Janeway asked.

"I do not believe so, Captain." Seven replied.

"Are you going to have any more of those dreams in which you remember how to build something new?" Janeway asked. "Hopefully something that'll destroy the Space Turtles?"

"That's next episode, Captain." Seven replied.

"Shoot! Does that mean that I'll have to do the thinking for once?" Janeway demanded, looking skyward.

"I am sorry, Captain." Seven apologized.

"No... Don't be sorry... be gone! If I Don't need you on this bridge, I Don't want you on the bridge... you're too spooky." Janeway said.

Seven left the bridge in a sulk. Chakotay looked over from his big comfy chair. He had thorn cuts all over his face. "Don't you think we'll be left at a slight disadvantage if you keep on shuttling every crewmember you think is spooky off of the bridge?" Chakotay asked.

"Nonsense. When left on her own, Seven will create a nice subplot." Janeway replied.

"I think we have our subplot covered..." Chakotay said, pointing at the remains of the broom.

"Nonsense." Janeway said, and crossed her arms. A few minutes passed. "Well?" Janeway shouted. "I'm waiting!!!!"

There was another short pause, and then a muffled voice said, "Sorry..." From the turbolift.

Seconds later, Harry announced, "Captain! Someone's blocked off Cargo bay 2! There's Borg encryption codes!" The Ensign shouted, as if this was some big surprise.

"Alright." Janeway said. "I'll go down there... Chakotay... you have the bridge. Protect us from those microscopic turtles."

"Aye, Captain!" Chakotay shouted, saluting. He waited until the turbolift doors closed behind Janeway, and burst into laughter.

"Commander... there's still a space turtle chasing us." Tom announced.

"Alright... let's fire on it." Chakotay announced.

The Ensign behind Tuvok's tactical station gulped. "Uh, Commander?" Harry said cautiously from Operations, "Didn't the captain specifically say we're not supposed to kill the Space Turtles?"

"She's not on the bridge... how will she know? Besides... she'll just blame it on Tuvok if she ever does find out." Chakotay said.

The tactical Ensign breathed a sigh of relief. "Shall I fire, Commander?" He asked.

"Fire on will, Ensign!" Chakotay exclaimed.

The Ensign looked confused, and pulled out his phaser. The other Ensign at Astrometrics suddenly turned white, and bolted for the readyroom doors. "The space turtles! Fire on the space turtles!" Chakotay exclaimed, before they could loose another Ensign.

The Ensign shrugged, took aim, and blew a corner off of the view screen. Tom flung himself under his counsel. Chakotay turned, seething. "The Space turtles... out in space... Ensign..." Chakotay growled.

"Oooooh! Gotcha!" The Ensign exclaimed, and fired on the giant space turtle.

It exploded. "Oooooh! Aaaaaahhh..." The Entire Bridge crew exclaimed, except for Tom, who was still underneath his counsel. He had gotten stuck.

Janeway was walking down towards Cargobay 2. She walked past a window, and saw the space turtle. She continued walking, and then took a few steps backwards, and stared at the space turtle. It stared back, but actually it was only staring at the engine nacelle.

Suddenly, the turtle exploded. Janeway tapped her commbadge. "Janeway... to... Lieutenant.. Tuvok..."

"Tuvok here, Captain." Tuvok said in his calm, crystal-clear voice.

"YOU BLEW UP ANOTHER ONE OF THE SPACE TURTLES!" Janeway shrieked.

"Captain... I protest." Tuvok said. "I have not been on the bridge for the past three minutes."

He looked down at the three exploded mini-turtles and the other itty-bitty turtles he had been stepping on. He would have to get out of here before Neelix started his "salvage" operation, and Janeway found him. 

"I don't care... I'm still going to lock you in the Brig and poke carrots at you." Janeway said.

"Oh dear... Captain... not carrots?" 

Janeway blinked, trying to figure out if that had been Vulcan sarcasm or sincere worry. She blinked again, and it suddenly became a nervous twinge. "State your location, Lieutenant." 

TWITCH

"The messhall." Tuvok lied.

Janeway turned, forgetting all about Seven, and raced to the mess hall.

"Chakotay to Lieutenant Torres."

"Torres here, Commander." B'Elana's voice came filtering back. 

"Seven's locked herself in the cargo bay again." Chakotay informed her.

"Soooooo?" B'Elana drawled. "Isn't it the captain's job to get her out?"

"Well, yes and no. The Captain is going after Tuvok at the moment." 

"Well...more power to her. But I still Don't see why you told me about this..." B'Elana said.

At the other end, Chakotay was silent. There was a long, loud, silence.

Some of what Chakotay was silently inferring was beginning to sink in. "What... no... no... Not a chance, Commander! Not a chance! There is no way that I'm going on down there and talking down my worst enemy!" B'Elana exclaimed.

"Go down there and make her come out?" Chakotay pleaded.

"I'm glad that was a suggestion and not an order..." B'Elana said quietly.

"It was an order." Chakotay replied.

"Well, in that case, I'm glad it was an order and not a Direct Order..." B'Elana said, a little more muffled this time.

"It was a Direct Order." Chakotay replied.

"Chakotay... can I get back to you on this one? Carey just dropped a whole pile of supplies..." She looked up as Carey came walking past, holding an armful of supplies, and stuck out her foot, tripping him. "I have to help him. Torres out."

"Now wait just a cotton-picking minute!" Chakotay screamed at the now-dead commlink. He turned, closed his eyes, and pointed around the bridge. When he stopped, and opened his eyes, he was pointing at himself. "How do these things work out?" He demanded to the ceiling, and stalked off of the bridge to go talk to Seven.

::Turbolift::

"This feeling of complete idiocy... was this why I joined Star Fleet and then later quit to join the Marquis? Nooooo..." Chakotay grumbled, and kicked the door to the turbolift. "Computer, open the doors!"

"Unable to comply." The computer replied.

"Why?" Chakotay demanded.

"Please restate question." The computer said.

Chakotay sighed. "Computer, why are you unable to open the doors to the turbolift?" 

"A level 4,264,543,523.47 clearance code is needed." The computer said.

"A level 4 billion WHAT?" Chakotay exclaimed.

"A level 4,264,543,523.47 clearance code is needed." The computer repeated dutifully.

"A level... for goodness sakes! Not even the Captain could get out of THIS turbolift! I don't even think Admiral Mc Coy could get out of THIS turbolift!" Chakotay screamed.

"Affirmative." The computer chirped.

"Computer... enter clearance code Chakotay47pi." Chakotay said, calming himself down.

"Voice recognition is off-line." The computer said.

"What? Why..." 

"Please restate the question." The computer said.

"WHY IS THE BLOODY VOICE RECOGNITION OFF LINE?!?!" Chakotay screamed.

"Please restate the question." The computer repeated.

"Computer..." Chakotay said, trying to control his voice, "Why is the voice recognition offline?"

"Voice recognition was inadvertently broken." The computer said.

"Now was that so hard?" Chakotay demanded.

"Please restate the question." 

"Oh, never mind about the bloody question. Computer, who broke the voice recognition?" Chakotay asked.

"Lieutenant Tom Paris, on Stardate...", The computer began.

Chakotay cut it off. "Computer... kill Lieutenant Paris for me."

"Unable to comply." The computer replied. "Please restate order."

"Never mind. Computer, open the doors." Chakotay said, way past annoyed, now.

"Unable to comply." The computer said.

Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to maintenance."

"Maintenance here, Commander. What can we do for you, sir?" A crewman's voice came back over the line.

"Get me out of this turbolift."

"Which one are you in?" The maintenance crewman asked.

"Turbolift #47." Chakotay said. He wondered briefly why there was a #47 turbolift when there were only 20 turbolift on the ship...

"We Don't... have... a turbolift number forty seven sir... did I hear you correctly?" The maintenance crewmember asked patiently.

Chakotay slapped his forehead. "Wonderful!" He exclaimed. "I've been caught in a plot hole!"

"I'm sorry, sir? I don't understand..." The crewmember said slowly.

"Never mind, thanks anyway. Chakotay out." Chakotay said. He began kicking the doors to the turbolift. "LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!"

"Please restate order." The computer chirped.

Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to Lieutenant Paris."

"Paris here, Commander."

"Tom, what did you do to..."

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" Paris began screaming. "I was just walking along, and I accidentally fell into your chair when Harry ran into me... I didn't mean to break the leg on your chair! IT WAS HARRY'S FAULT! …And how did you even figure it out already... PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Tom began sobbing.

"Uhm... actually, Paris, I was going to ask about the voice recognition..." Chakotay said slowly and carefully.

"Oh." Tom said. "Oh. Oh. Oh. That was, uh..." He burst into sobs again. "That was me too!" 

"Uhm... Tom... whatever... I'll just... Uhm... Chakotay out."

::Engineering::

After B'Elana had helped Carey clean up the collection of scattered parts, she noticed that once again, pixie dust had been scattered all over. "Jeez... with all of this, We're going to summon Kes back..." She muttered, and then turned to Carey. "Get something to clean that up." She ordered, and feeling a tad bit better, walked over to go punch up a counsel.

AKA run a diagnostic.

Vorik came walking over. "Lieutenant." He said calmly. "I believe Carey is going to perform another mistake."

"What do you mean?" B'Elana asked, and looked up in the direction of Lieutenant Carey. "CAREY NO!"

Carey looked up, from halfway wiping up the pixie dust with a dishrag. "Chief?" He asked in confusion.

The dishrag shuttered, and wiggled out of Carey's grip. It then slapped him and jumped back inside its little bucket.

"Carey! You idiot!" B'Elana screamed, advancing on the human and rolling up her sleeves. 

Carey took a step backwards. "I'm sorry, chief, how was I supposed to know?"

B'Elana stopped, and fixed Carey with an entirely falsified grin. "That's a good point... now, you had better go and let Vorik and I handle this." She said. "Before someone gets in their head to kill off a semi-major character like you."

"Who would do that?" Carey wondered.

"Namely... ME! OUT OF ENGINEERING!" B'Elana shrieked, leaping in Carey's direction.

Carey was gone in about five seconds.

"Lieutenant?" Vorik asked calmly from behind B'Elana.

"Yes, Vorik?" B'Elana asked.

"Do you believe that was wise?" Vorik asked.

"No. But I have every right to be irrational. Now how does your logical Vulcan mind think that we should destroy this dishrag?" B'Elana demanded.

"Hmm... a prudent course of action indeed, destroying this dishrag. I believe all we will have to do is shoot it." 

B'Elana blinked. "Shoot it? Is that another one of your logical Vulcan terms cleverly disguised to fool me once again?"

"No, Lieutenant. This time I'm actually talking normally." Vorik replied.

"Okay... good. Wait! There it goes!" B'Elana screamed, pulling out her phaser and firing at the dishrag as it squee-geed away.

The dishrag scuttled behind a counsel. Vorik looked over the counsel. "It has disappeared!" He announced.

"Look! It's over there!" B'Elana shouted, racing haphazardly across engineering, waving her phaser. The few remaining engineers scattered as B'Elana approached them, clearly thinking that the phaser was for them.

"Why do we get all of the monster cleaning equipment?" B'Elana demanded, searching for the Eeeeevil dishrag.

"Just lucky, I guess." Vorik replied.

"You call living brooms, washrags, and dustpans LUCKY? What do you Vulcans consider UNLUCKY?" B'Elana shouted.

"Ingrown toenails." Vorik replied.

B'Elana blinked, and considered this. "Yes... I guess that WOULD be unlucky..."

Suddenly, the dishrag leaped out of hiding and wrapped itself around B'Elana's throat!

"Auggh! Vorik, help! It's strangling me... and it's moist with soap scum!" B'Elana exclaimed, trying to rip the dishrag off.

"I'll help you." Vorik said, pointing the phaser at the dishrag.

"Nooooo Vorik!" B'Elana screamed.

((ZAAP))

~~~~~~~~~

****


	4. In which Vorik and Carey make bad decisi...

Space Turtles Part Deux- Chapter three, in which Vorik and Carey make some bad decisions.

Disclaimer: I don't own Voyager, though it'd be really cool if I did and I'd give all of the people who reviewed my stories a ride in space…

:: Sickbay::

Vorik came in dragging B'Elana after him. "Doctor, your assistance please."

The Doctor looked up. "Oh dear! What happened?" He asked, helping B'Elana sit down on one of the med.-beds.

"That Vulcan #% @#(#*^ (@*$@T@#^ *@*@*@#* @@&&@$! **! %R *@#! @&*#^! @* %&! *@#^! @^*! @& shot me!" B'Elana screamed.

"Oh... and why did you do that, Mr. Vorik?" The Doctor asked. 

"There was a dishrag strangling her." Vorik explained. 

"Well, considering the frequency of your last explosion, Ms. Torres, I would say there was pretty much no damage at all done to your throat..." The Doctor continued, putting down his medical tricorder

"There will be damage done to a certain Vulcan later..." B'Elana said, growling at Vorik.

"But Lieutenant... I saved you from the dishrag!" Vorik protested, his Vulcan voice beginning to show a little bit of irrational emotion.

"You could have walked up and helped me tear it off... but nooooooo... instead you decided to TRY AND TEAR OUT MY THROAT WITH YOUR PHASER!" B'Elana shrieked, leaping up.

"Whoa!" The Doctor exclaimed, leaping between the two. It would have been slightly more heroic if he hadn't been a hologram, which couldn't be harmed anyway. "Ms. Torres... please calm down!"

B'Elana sat back down in a huff. Vorik was slowly creeping towards the door. "Doctor, Lieutenant," Vorik began. "At this point, I feel the only logical course of action would be for me to vacate the premises." He turned around and ran out the door.

"I'LL GET YOU IN ENGINEERING!" B'Elana shrieked.

"Now, Lieutenant..." The Doctor began. "You know that killing engineers has been against the rules for some time now!"

"Who said I was going to KILL him?" 

"Now Lieutenant...", the doctor said in his best reprimanding voice.

B'Elana thought. "I'LL SCHEDULE YOU ON THE NIGHT SHIFT!" She screamed.

Out in the hall, there was a Vulcan scream of terror.

::Bridge::

Harry was sitting on the bridge, trying to comfort Tom. "It's okay, Tom... I'm sure Chakotay won't hold any grudges... It's okay... stop crying..." Harry said, patting Tom awkwardly on the back.

The two Ensigns, Will and the tactical Ensign, were offering morale support as well. "It's Okay, Lieutenant, at least you get a recurring roll!" Tactical Ensign said.

"Right! And at least you don't get shot at every single episode as a repeat of a bad joke!" Will exclaimed loudly.

"What bad joke?" The tactical Ensign asked, going for her phaser.

"You want me to shut up, don't you?" Will said sadly.

"Yes. Go away." Tactical Ensign said.

Will crept into the corner and whimpered quietly. Tactical Ensign went back to her post and stood there. 

Tom had stopped crying and was now whimpering quietly and pawing at his face. Harry sighed, and went back to his personal log.

"Kim... personal logs Stardate 12381928591827349471823791825912.1283." Harry said. "I am upset. The captain made my Gnome leave. Without him I feel lost. End log." 

Suddenly, there was a squelching noise at the door, and blob of liquid goo came falling out of the Jeffrey's tube. It rolled to the center of the bridge and oozed there.

Tom, Tactical Ensign, Will, and Harry jumped up. "You better stay back, Tactical Ensign..." Harry warned. "No name is a bad sign..."

"Right." She replied, taking a step backwards.

"What IS it?" Tom wondered, reaching for his tricorder.

"It looks like a discolored blob of goo." Will offered.

"Besides that, genius." Tom said. 

"Tom... do you realize you're using your phaser instead of your tricorder?" Harry asked.

"Whoops." Tom said, and quickly put away the phaser before he could fry this curious blob of discolored goo.

Harry pulled out his tricorder, quickly double checking so he wouldn't make a stupid mistake. "It's a..." Harry stared at the computer screen. "Blob of discolored goo."

"Itty bitty... blob of discolored goo... what other vague answers will this computer give us?" Tom wondered.

The blob of discolored goo hadn't done anything in the past minute, so Tactical Ensign cautiously crept forward. "Is it dangerous?" She asked.

Just then, the blob of goo ate Will's hand. "Yes." The three officers said at once. "Run Tactical Ensign! Run Will!" Harry screamed. "We'll hold it off!"

"No we won't, you idiot! Run!" Tom exclaimed, dragging the heroic but idiotic Harry after him. "TUVOK TO THE BRIDGE!" He screamed over his commlink.

Tuvok was sitting in the holodeck, hiding from Captain Janeway. The reason he thought that this holodeck-hidden haven would be safe was due to the title and author of the program.

"Happiness and Joy by Neelix." Tuvok said, rereading the bright glowing letters. "The Captain will not hypothesize my entrance into this program."

Just then, three Talaxian woman came running up, draping leis around his neck. Tuvok glanced at the leias and noticed that they were made out of Leola leaves instead of flowers. 

"Fascinating." Tuvok said. "That the leaves of the Leola root are actually decorative." 

The Talaxian women giggled and tried to pull him into the little building. Tuvok turned and stalked away as quickly as he could. The Talaxian women followed him.

Tuvok rounded a corner... and there were more. He was surrounded! So Tuvok said, "Computer, delete additional characters to this scene."

Nothing happened. Tuvok rose one eyebrow. "This appears to be quite a predicament." He said, as the giggling Talaxians moved in around him.

Janeway was stalking outside the holodeck. The computer had confirmed that Tuvok was in this room, but Janeway was having a hard time believing it. It didn"t seem like Tuvok to willingly go inside a program labeled "Happiness and Joy", especially when it was made by Mr. Neelix. 

Just then, Tuvok came bursting out of the holodecks. He slid to a halt, looked either way, and smoothed his uniform. He took about three steps. "Not so fast!" Janeway exclaimed. "I'm not done yelling at you yet!"

Tuvok slowly turned. "Captain." He said, looking about as surprised as a Vulcan ever could. 

Suddenly, his commbadge beeped. Tuvok cautiously tapped it. "TUVOK TO THE BRIDGE!" Tom screamed. "HEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!"

"Excuse me, Captain." Tuvok said, feeling joyful, and ran to the nearest turbolift.

"You set that up, didn't you!" Janeway screamed accusingly after him.

"I assure you I did not!" Tuvok said before the turbolift doors closed behind him.

On the turbolift, Tuvok did a Vulcan dance of glee, which was simply raising both eyebrows and twitching his head a little bit. Whatever this evil thing on the bridge was, he was going to have to give it thanks before sending it to the Brig!

::Turbolift::

Chakotay had his head resting on the door to the turbolift. "I... want... out." He said.

"Unable to comply." The computer replied.

"I...want...out." Chakotay repeated.

"Unable to comply." The computer replied.

This had been going on for almost an hour, and Chakotay was beginning to get a little tired. His throat was dry, and he was about to fall asleep. 

"Computer... I have to talk Seven of Nine out of Cargo bay 2. Let me out..." Chakotay said.

"Unable to comply." The computer said. It didn't sound a bit tired. In fact, it was seemingly getting more cheerful.

Chakotay realized that was just because he was getting angrier. But he was bound and determined he would find whoever put this plot hole here and rip out their throat with his bare hands!

"I... want... out..." Chakotay said, resuming their little game.

"Unable to comply."

"I...want...out..."

"Unable to comply."

"I...want...out..."

"Acknowledged." The computer said as the doors opened.

Chakotay fell forward, completely taken by surprise, and landed face-first on the carpeting.

"Thank you." Chakotay muttered.

The turbolift doors opened and shut on him a few times.

::Bridge::

Tuvok burst onto the bridge. "Where is the problem?" He inquired.

Harry and Tom were standing up on top of his counsel, hiding. Will and the Tactical Ensign had locked themselves in the captain's readyroom. "It's... It's..." Harry began, pointing at the discolored blob of goo.

"A discolored blob of goo!" Tom finished.

Tuvok rose one eyebrow. "Fascinating." He said. 

The discolored blob of goo saw Tuvok, and began squelching in his direction. Tuvok pulled out his phaser and shot it.

The discolored blob of goo exploded.

"Is this some sort of running gag?" Harry demanded, as the bridge was covered in discolored guts. 

"I'm afraid so." Tom said sadly, shaking his head and trying to get the goo out of his hair.

"What else will explode?" Harry wondered.

There was an explosion from the Captain's ready room. "Good going, Harry!" Tom shouted, slapping Harry upside the head.

The two officers leaped down from the top of the consul, Tom hitting his head on the roof, as Tuvok walked sedately over to the Captain's ready room and opened the door with his security-command lock out.

"Eeeeewwww!!!" Harry and Tom both exclaimed.

"It got BOTH of them!" Harry said, looking both amazed and disgusted.

"Indeed." Tuvok agreed, raising an eyebrow.

"Well what are we going to do about this?" Tom demanded.

Tuvok looked up, one eyebrow raised. "The scene hasn't cut yet?" He wondered.

"No, sir." Harry replied. "It wasn't long enough." 

"Isn't two lines long enough?" Tom asked.

"Apparently not, Mr. Paris." Tuvok replied. "We shall have to find some way to elongate this post so that it may end and another group of characters may take our place."

"Yeah... I want my coffee break!" Harry whined.

"Forget coffee... I want a shower to get rid of this discolored goo in my hair..." Tom complained.

"If you will both cease your complaining, we can figure out some way to elongate this post so it is suitable for submission." Tuvok said.

"But Tuvok, whining is a perfect way to make this post long enough!" Harry whined.

"Perhaps. But something tasteful is in order." Tuvok replied.

"What about this story has been tasteful?" Tom wondered.

Tuvok considered this. "Perhaps you are correct, Lieutenant." He agreed. "You may continue whining."

"Okay, let's sta----

End of scene

~~~~~~

::Corridors of Voyager::

Janeway stalked around the corridors of Voyager, searching for something to do. She was bored. Bored and Janeway did not go together well. Bored and Janeway, when mixed, could create an explosion that could wipe out half the galaxy. Bored and Janeway were enemies. Bored and Janeway were being put together.

Janeway wanted something to do. Anything. Anything at all. At this point she was almost desperate enough to strike up a conversation with Neelix. Almost, not quite that desperate.

Janeway was rambling through this post. She was going on and on. She realized that, and realized that she was talking herself in circles. Janeway didn"t care. 

She was bored. Bored and Janeway did not go together well. Bored and Janeway, when mixed, could create an explosion that could wipe out half the galaxy. Bored and Janeway were enemies. Bored and Janeway were being put together.

Janeway wanted something to do. Anything, anything at all. At this point she was almost desperate enough to strike up a conversation with Neelix. Almost, not quite that desperate.

Janeway was rambling through this post. She was going on and on. She realized that, and realized that she was talking herself in circles. Janeway didn"t care. 

She was bored. Bored and Janeway did not go together well. Bored and Janeway, when mixed, could create an explosion that could wipe out half the galaxy. Bored and Janeway were enemies. Bored and Janeway were being put together.

Janeway wanted something to do. Anything. Anything at all. At this point she was almost desperate enough to strike up a conversation with Neelix. Almost. Not quite that desperate.

Janeway was rambling through this post. She was going on and on. She realized that, and realized that she was talking herself in circles. Janeway didn"t care. 

She was bored. Bored and Janeway did not go together well. Bored and Janeway, when mixed, could create an explosion that could wipe out half the galaxy. Bored and Janeway were enemies. Bored and Janeway were being put together.

Janeway wanted something to do. Anything. Anything at all. At this point she was almost desperate enough to strike up a conversation with Neelix. Almost. Not quite that desperate.

Janeway was rambling through this post. She was going on and on. She realized that, and realized that she was talking herself in circles. Janeway didn"t care. 

She was bored. Bored and Janeway did not go together well. Bored and Janeway, when mixed, could create an explosion that could wipe out half the galaxy. Bored and Janeway were enemies. Bored and Janeway were being put together.

Janeway wanted something to do. Anything. Anything at all. At this point she was almost desperate enough to strike up a conversation with Neelix. Almost. Not quite that desperate.

Janeway was rambling through this post. She was going on and on. She realized that, and realized that she was talking herself in circles. Janeway didn"t care...

~~~~~

Chakotay came walking up to the Cargo Bay doors. "Seven? Are you in there?" He asked, knocking.

"No! Go away! I am not Seven! I am Frogwoman of the Eternals!" Seven screamed. 

Chakotay sighed. Another personality disorder. Great. Just what he needed. "No, you're Seven of Nine. Can I come in?"

"I AM NOT SEVEN OF NINE! I AM FROGWOMAN THE ETERNAL! THE BORG HAVE TAKEN ME FROM MY HOME!" Seven screamed.

Chakotay blinked. She kept on saying the name differently. Oh well. "Can I come in, Frogwoman?"

The doors to the cargo bay opened. Chakotay walked in, and ducked as a piece of Leola root came flying at his head. "Hey!" Chakotay protested.

"The eternal Frogwoman shall destroy her enemies!" Seven screamed, and hurled another Leola root at Chakotay. "Resistance is futile against me!"

"Sev... Frogwoman, knock it off!" Chakotay exclaimed. "I'm not your enemy..." He said, and then quietly, "Not yet..."

Seven stopped. "You're not?"

"No! I'm your friend! And I want to help you!" At this point, a warm, loving feeling for the entire universe seemed to emanate for Chakotay, filling the entire ship and the surrounding space.

Nearby warring colonies suddenly decided to make peace and flower chains instead of guns and ammunition belts. The vicious monster lurking in Neelix's soup became Naomi's pet. And Janeway calmed down for a few minutes. 

Suddenly a leola root bounced off of Chakotay's head. "I'm not falling for it, mister! Frogwoman of the Eternals never gives up!"

Chakotay ducked behind a row of boxes as Seven reloaded and began throwing more leola roots. "Why me?" Chakotay asked the ceiling.

"Please restate question." The computer replied.

Chakotay blinked. "Computer... why is Commander Chakotay having a bad day?"

The computer beeped. "Commander Chakotay is scheduled on his shift as the ship scapegoat." The computer said.

Chakotay beat his head against the crates around him, as Leola roots landed all around him. "I guess that answers the eternal question of "why me?"..." He said quietly.

"COME OUT! COME OUT AND FACE YOUR DOOM!" Seven shrieked.

Chakotay considered this. "Why do attackers always shout that?" He wondered. "Like you're really going to come out if you feel threatened..."

"JUST COME OUT!" Seven screamed back. "I DON'T HAVE TO OPEN THE BOOKS OF DECISIVE STRATEGY, DO I?"

Chakotay said, "Yes."

Seven stopped, and thought. "I would have to go get it..." She said.

"Go ahead. I'll cower here while you're gone." Chakotay replied.

"Alright." Seven said.

There was the sound of an opening and closing door. Chakotay cautiously peeped over the side of the crate.

Seven smacked him over the head with a Leola root. "FROGWOMAN THE ETERNAL IS ALWAYS TRIUMPHANT!" She screamed. 

Chakotay rubbed the top of his head. "Ouch!" He complained. "That really hurt!" 

Seven blinked. "Has the Eternal Frogwoman's calculations about the velocity needed to use the instrument to knock the enemy into submission?"

"Yes, you have!" Chakotay exclaimed. He picked up one of the Leola roots and smacked Seven across the jaw.

The Cargo bay suddenly goes dark, and when it lights back up, a bell goes of. Ding-ding!

"Oh shoot!" Chakotay exclaimed. "Not this again!" 

Seven took her Leola root and began beating Chakotay up. "DIE! THE ETERNAL FROGWOMAN WILL KILL YOU BY USING MULTIPLE IMPROPERLY CALCULATED ATTACKS!"

Chakotay raced to the other side of the cargo bay. "Come ON, Seven! Snap out of it!" He exclaimed.

"THE ONLY THING I INTEND TO SNAP IS YOUR PUNY NECK!" Seven shrieked.

Chakotay rolled his eyes. He then ducked as Seven tried to hit him with the Leola root again. "Would you have done this if Captain Janeway had come down?"

Seven stopped, and considered this. "Probably not. Her arrival would have entailed a heart-felt discussion with..."

She looked up just in time to get Chakotay's sucker punch right in the face.

::Sickbay::

The Doctor looked up as Chakotay dragged Seven into sickbay. Seven was muttering deliriously about frogs and turtles.

The Doctor sighed. "Since when have I become so popular? I used to be able to travel off into the land of waiting! But nooooo, in THIS story, I have a major roll!" he heaved a deep sigh. "Okay, Major Pain, what did you do to Seven?"

"I... uh... punched her in the face." Chakotay said.

"Turtles are niiiiiice." Seven squealed.

"Uh-huh. For some strange reason, that doesn't surprise me. WHY did you punch her in the face?" The Doctor asked.

"Well... she was trying to beat me up with a Leola root, Doc." Was Chakotay's reply.

"And lizards have scales." Seven added.

"Why was she trying to do that?" The Doctor asked, artfully ignoring Seven.

"Well, she was having another personality disorder. This time it was The Eternal Frogwoman, or Frogwoman the Eternal, or Frogwoman of the Eternals, or something like that." Chakotay said. "I was never quite sure. She kept on switching it." 

The Doctor nodded. "Okay, Seven, sit down right here." He instructed.

"I'M NOT SEVEN! I AM THE ETERNAL FROGWOMAAAAAN!" Seven screamed.

The Doctor sighed. "Chakotay... you can go." He said, seeing the way in which the Commander was edging towards the door.

Chakotay turned and bolted out of the door.

And ran smack-dab into the last remaining turtle on the ship...

::Engineering::

((CRASH!!))

There was the sound of stomping.

((CRASH!!))

More stomping, and an enraged yell.

((SMASH!!))

Finally, the figure stomped over to the warp core and sat down on the railing surrounding it. "This has NOT been my day." Carey said angrily. (Whom were you expecting?)

Two Ensigns who had been following Carey and keeping on the lookout for B'Elana came trotting over. "Why?" They asked in unison.

"Well, first of all, I created the monster broom again! And B'Elana yells at me. Then, I create a monster dishrag! And B'Elana yells at me again! And then she tries to get me to leave engineering! It's just not fair!" He pouted.

"We understand." The two Ensigns said in unison. 

Carey looked over, annoyed. "Are you two twins, or something?" He demanded.

"Yes." They said in unison.

Carey rolled his eyes. "Well please stop talking in unison."

"Yes..." Started the first.

"Sir." Finished the second.

Carey counted to ten slowly. He then gave the two Ensigns a huge smile. "Go away."

They turned and walked away, in unison. Carey slowly ground his teeth together. 

Just then, B'Elana came storming in. She looked rather angry. Steam was literally coming out of her ears. At this point, Carey decided to make himself scarce.

He hadn't gotten very far, though, before B'Elana caught up with him. "Where do you think YOU'RE going?" She demanded. 

"Away?" Carey suggested.

B'Elana considered this. "Okay, good enough."

Carey ran. "But..." B'Elana said, and Carey ground to a halt. "You haven't finished the warp core diagnostic I told you to do."

"But B'Elana, only the Chief engineer can run a level 47 diagnostic on the warp core!" Carey whined.

B'Elana blinked. "Oh... yeah... I forgot."

"Does that mean you'll promote me to chief?" Carey asked hopefully.

B'Elana gave him an evil look. "Nooooo! That means I'll do it myself! And it also means I have no use for you here right now! Get out of engineering before I cause you physical damage!"

Carey turned and stormed out of engineering. "Stupid Klingon... wouldn't let me be Chief engineer... I'll show her!" Carey exclaimed, and lifted his hands to the sky. "I'LL SHOW B'ELANA TORRES!"

Everyone in engineering turned and stared at him. Carey blinked. Apparently the doors to engineering hadn't closed yet... they slid shut, and Carey turned around and ran.

Captain Janeway stormed around the halls.

She was beginning to calm down a little bit. That was good. Without all of her excess anger, she was less likely to beat the next person she saw into the wall, unless it was Tuvok. Then she would beat him into the wall, unless it was Neelix. Then she would run.

Neelix had been happy again. Just five seconds ago, he had hailed her over the commlink with the good news that the Space Turtle Surprise had been de-bugged. He said that the infectious disease which had been inside of the Space Turtle Surprise earlier had been killed by adding leola root.

Janeway told him how happy she was to hear that, and how glad she was that she hadn't had any of his Space Turtle Surprise yet.

Janeway then arrived on the bridge. The bridge was covered in discolored goo. Janeway stared at the discolored goo all over her bridge with incomprehension. She then turned to the three officers standing there.

"Tom... Harry... Tuvok." Janeway said slowly, and then fixed them with a huge grin. 

The three men had slowly turned and were now facing their Captain with looks of sheepishness, fright, and well, no look at all. "Yes, captain?" They asked in an amazing minor 3rd. 

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BRIDGE?!?!?" Janeway shrieked, running at Tuvok and waving her arms madly. "YOU BLEW SOMETHING ELSE UP, DIDN'T YOU? WELL CLEAN IT UP AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT!!!!"

Tuvok turned stiffly, and marched in the other room. Harry and Tom traded glances. "This wouldn't be a good time to tell her about her ready room, would it..." Harry whispered.

Janeway wheeled. "My ready room?" She said, and then in a roar, "MY READY ROOM?!?!" She turned and raced to her ready room.

The doors slid open, revealing the remains of the two Ensigns, splattered all over the walls. "My ready room!" Janeway gasped, and then quieter, "My ready room." She turned, and glared at Harry and Tom. "MY READY ROOM!!!" She hissed.

"Ack!" Tom and Harry both exclaimed, turning and running for the turbolift, fighting to get through the door.

"MY READY ROOM! MY REAAAADY ROOM!" Janeway shrieked, chasing after them. 

The two officers managed to get through the doors to the turbolift. So did Janeway. They both tried to escape, but the doors closed on them. "TUVOK HELP!" Harry screamed through the closing crack.

"Computer, seal turbolift doors." Tuvok said calmly, as he pulled out his bottle of Super Ship Clean, and began cleaning up the bridge.

"NOOOO!!!!!!" Harry and Tom both screamed. "AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!! TUVOK!!! TUVOK!!!"

Tuvok allowed himself a slight smile at this, and then continued cleaning the bridge.

::Outside sickbay::

Chakotay stared at the turtle.

The turtle stared at the Chakotay.

For a few minutes, neither of the slow-witted animals moved. They stared at each other. A few minutes dragged into several minutes, several minutes dragged into about 30. 

And still they stared at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move, and desperately hoping that they wouldn't, because they hadn't figured out what to do about that other move yet.

30 minutes dragged into 40. Some crew members were beginning to walk past, and regarded the spectacle of turtle and commander with mute indignation.

By now, they were used to it.

After awhile of staring at each other, a long stick comes poking out of sickbay, and poked Chakotay in the shoulder.

Chakotay jumped, and pulled out his phaser as the stick disappeared back inside sickbay. "Alright, turtle." Chakotay said. "I don't know how you got on the... no, I KNOW how you got on the ship... okay. I don't know what you... no, I know what you are... uhm... wait, hold on, I'll get it... lets see..."

The turtle rolled its gargantuan eyes and ambled away at top speed.

By the time Chakotay had finished his thinking, the turtle had almost reached the end of the hallway, which is a rather long and slow and tedious walk for a turtle.

"Hey! Come back here!" Chakotay commanded, and chased after the turtle.

The turtle continued walking. Chakotay raced forward, almost catching up to it, and then the turtle ground to a halt.

If there's one thing a turtle can do fast, It's stop.

Chakotay smashed into the back of the turtle's shell, and through some odd chemical process that would take months of research and twenty pages of ticker tape to explain, the turtle's shell happened to be constructed of double-sided tape. 

"AAHHH!!!!!!" Chakotay screamed, as the turtle ambled down the hall with the XO of the Starship Voyager stuck to its shell.

A few Ensigns whispered and pointed as he passed, but they didn"t seem to anxious to give Chakotay a hand. After all... who knows what would happen if they got too close! None of them had names, so the turtle could easily take off an arm or a leg... or worse!

"HELP! HELP!" Chakotay cried piteously.

Suddenly, a thought came to his mind. It had taken a long time to get there from his hand, and was pretty tired, and it needed a rest at a good tavern, but it was better than anything that Chakotay's brain could have come up with.

"What am I doing?" Chakotay wondered.

He pulled out his phaser and shot the turtle.

The turtle exploded with a piteous "Eeeee!"

Chakotay stood up, completely covered in turtle guts, and hung his head. "Now I feel kind of bad..."

::Bridge::

Janeway was sitting in her command chair, looking as happy as she ever had in her entire life. The Bridge was sparkling. Her ready room now looked better than ever. And she had three man-servants following her now.

After Tuvok had cleaned the bridge, Janeway had pressured Tuvok, Harry, and Tom into cleaning up her ready room, as well as adding a new coat of paint, sealing up the rip in one of the seat cushions, cleaning the windows, and just generally making her ready room spic and span.

"More coffee!" Janeway snapped.

Harry appeared with a cup of coffee. He bowed. Janeway took the coffee. Harry ran away. Janeway allowed herself a small grin. This was great... she was going to have to drag this on for awhile...

"Chakotay to the Captain."

"Janeway here, Commander." Janeway said, feeling in the highest of spirits. "What's wrong, Commander?"

"The last of the Space Turtles has exploded, Captain." Chakotay said.

Janeway leaped up. "What?"

"I'm sorry, Captain." Chakotay said, sounding abashed.

"Never mind that. Janeway out. TUVOK!" Janeway screamed.

Tuvok came walking over, a dishtowel over his arm and a disdainful look over his face. "Yes, Captain?" He asked.

"Why did you blow up another Space Turtle?" Janeway demanded.

"Captain, as I have been on the bridge for the past hour, I do not see how I could have possibly made another Space Turtle explode." Tuvok said. "The possibility of me existing in more than one place at one time is incomprehensible."

Janeway's nervous twitch returned. "I don't particularly care... I care about is that I want a scape goat!"

Tuvok rose one eyebrow. "I believe Commander Chakotay's on the scapegoat roaster for today." 

Janeway shook her head. "No, Chakotay's shift ended three minutes ago." She said. "Computer, who is the ship's scapegoat for this shift?" She demanded.

"The Scapegoat for this shift is Captain Janeway." The Computer replied.

Janeway blinked. "Shoot, didn"t see that one coming..."

Tuvok rose one eyebrow. "Captain, this is all your fault."

::Sickbay::

"So... Seven, how are you feeling now?" The Doctor asked.

The former Borg drone laying on the med-bed stared at him. "I am not Seven."

"I thought we went over this." The Doctor said, shaking his head. "After a few post breaks in the scripts, you're supposed to be completely healed."

"I do not understand how a passage of time could possibly cure this split-personality disorder, if in truth I even have one. Which I don't. Because I know who I am. I AM FROGWOMAN OF THE ETERNALS!"

The Doctor sighed, and rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Frogwoman of the Eternals."

"I am the Eternal Frogwoman. Who is this other person you speak of?" Seven asked.

"Who... Seven?" The Doctor asked.

"No...Frogwoman of the Eternals!" Seven exclaimed.

"But you just said you were Frogwoman of the Eternals!" The Doctor protested.

"That is true. I am." Seven replied.

"So... you're..."

"Frogwoman the Eternal." Seven said.

"Frogwoman the Eternal." The Doctor repeated carefully.

"No! I am Seven of Nine!" Seven protested.

The Doctor grinned. "So you remember who you are, Seven?" He asked hopefully.

"Seven what?" Seven asked, looking around.

The Doctor clutched at his holographic head for a moment, and then recovered his cool. "Alright. Let's go over this again. Who are you?"

"Frogwoman the Eternal." Seven said.

"No... you are Seven of Nine."

"The Eternal Frogwoman!"

"Seven of Nine!"

"Frogwoman of the Eternals!"

"Seven of Nine!"

"If I just agree, will you leave me alone?" Seven demanded.

"Yes." The Doctor said immediately.

"Okay... I am Seven of Nine." Seven replied. Suddenly, a glimmer came over her eyes. "I AM SEVEN OF NINE! BWHAHAHAHAA!!!!"

She turned and raced out of sickbay, laughing maniacally. The Doctor shook his head, and then shrugged.

~~~~~~~

****


	5. In which Seven and Tuvok have a deep, em...

Space Turtles part Deux- Chapter something, in which Tuvok and Seven have a deep, emotional therapy session

Disclaimer: Me no own. Me be rich if me did own. But me poor and living with parents 'cause me still in high school and have low-paying part-time job with weird bosses. Me no wanna be sued by big people with big, high-paying jobs who make more money than my street combined…

::Messhall::

Neelix was standing on the counter, waving his arms and rallying the crew.

"This post is going to be short!"

"Yah!" The crew screamed.

"This post is going to help the author waste space!" Neelix shouted.

"Yah!" The crew screamed.

"This post has nothing to do with the story line OR the plot!" Neelix continued.

"Yah!" The crew screamed.

"In fact, it is just a waste of time!" Neelix continued.

"Yah!" The crew screamed.

"That is all!" Neelix said.

The crew went on cheering.

::On deck 15.::

Two Ensigns were crouched around a tiny hole in the floor. 

"What is it, Moe?" The first Ensign wondered.

"I Don't know, Larry." Moe replied. "It looks like a hole."

"Yeah, I suppose it does look like a hole!" Larry agreed.

"Are you stealing my ideas?" Moe demanded.

"No! Of course not! I was just agreeing with you. It looked like a hole!" Larry said quickly.

"Good." Moe said.

"So, if it's a hole, what should we do with it?" Larry wondered.

"I'm thinking about it." Moe replied.

"Maybe we can poke it!" Larry said.

"Hey!" Moe exclaimed, bonking Larry on the head. "I do the thinking around here!"

"Alright, I'll be quiet then. And I won't tell you the great idea I had!" Larry exclaimed.

"That suits me just fine." Moe grumped.

"Oh, oh, okay, you convinced me." Larry exclaimed. "I say we poke it!"

Moe bonked Larry on the head again. "Shut up! We're doing what I said, and what I said is we poke it!"

Larry rubbed his head. "Well, fine then."

Suddenly, another Ensign came walking up. "What are you all up to?" He asked curiously.

"Nothing, Curly. Go away." Moe growled. 

"Well, I would, except we have a duty shift thingy and we have to be working on this thingy, and the boss will get mad if we Don't work on this thingy." Curly relied.

"He has a point there." Larry said, somewhere between sarcasm and earnesty.

Moe bonked them both on the head. "Now you listen, and you listen good! First of all, there are no real bosses anymore! Lieutenant Kasdbalsdfknbalksd-Fuoaibnlsdkfoasid will just have to wait until we're ready! And second of all, you all will do what I tell you! And I say we poke whatever this is with a stick!" 

"Where will we get a stick on a starship?" Curly wondered.

"Hey, yeah, where will we get a stick on a starship?" Larry echoed.

Moe bonked them both on the head, and pulled out three long sticks. "Here they are!" He said, handing the two other Ensigns a stick each.

They began poking the little hole. The little hole began to glow bright blue. "Oooooooh!" The three Ensigns all gaped.

Suddenly, Lieutenant Kasdbalsdfknbalksd-Fuoaibnlsdkfoasid came walking up. "Hey! What do you stooges think you're doing?" She demanded.

The little glowing blue hole suddenly became a big, glowing, blue turtle.

"AAAHHH!!!!" Moe, Curly, and Larry screamed as the Turtle ate them.

Lieutenant Kasdbalsdfknbalksd-Fuoaibnlsdkfoasid tapped her commbadge calmly as she ran from the room. "Lieutenant Kasdbalsdfknbalksd-Fuoaibnlsdkfoasid to the Captain! There"s another Space Turtle on board! Deck 15, section 1D!" She shouted, and shut and locked the door behind her.

Janeway listened to Lieutenant Kasdbalsdfknbalksd-Fuoaibnlsdkfoasid's announcement. She ground her teeth together. "Lieutenant Tuvok..." She said, turning to her Vulcan tactical officer, "I will give you one more chance. I want you to stop this turtle... WITHOUT blowing it up." She said.

Tuvok nodded. "Understood, Captain. I shall attempt this." He turned and walked stiffly from the room.

Janeway ground her teeth together some more, until she suddenly realized that that hurt. With a sigh, she turned, and glared at Seven, who had just appeared out of the turbolift, which had mysteriously just closed on Tuvok, but seemed to have magically transported them... 

"Well, Seven? Have you come out of your little shell?" Janeway asked.

Seven's eyes went wild. "I AM NOT SEVEN! I...AM... FROGWOMAN THE ETERNAL!"

"Don't you mean Frogwoman of the Eternals?" Chakotay asked.

"Uh... maybe..."

"Or the Eternal Frogwoman?" Chakotay continued.

"Perhaps, but..."

"Or maybe you'd prefer the Eternal of the Frogwomen?" Chakotay continued.

Seven of Nine looked confused. "I AM CONFUSED!" She shouted at the top of her lungs. 

"OFF OF THE BRIDGE!" Janeway bellowed. "Before you touch something you're not supposed to!"

Seven grumbled something, but didn't move. "Captain, isn't it rather... well, to use a Vulcan term, illogical to send our obviously confused Borg to blow up some other part of the ship?" Harry asked.

"Forget the Vulcan terms! Captain, sending her off to blow up some other part of the ship is just plain stupid!" Chakotay exclaimed.

Janeway fixed him with a long, withering stare, and Chakotay slowly seemed to melt into his seat. Janeway then nodded. "Right. Sev---Frogwoman, do not blow up part of the ship." Janeway said.

"That was never my intention." Seven replied.

Janeway turned, flashing her officers a grin. "See? That was never her intention!"

::Engineering:: 

Rather then risk continuity, Carey had come up with a plan to get revenge on B'Elana.

It wasn't a very well-thought-out plan. In fact, it was a pretty stupid plan that would probably end with him in sickbay.

He sneaked into Engineering. The two Engineering twins which were not the Delaney sisters and shouldn't have even been on the ship, but we put them on the ship because we thought it would be funny, watched him enter and traded glances. Then they gave them back.

Carey stalked up on B'Elana, who was calmly screaming her head off at Vorik. Vorik was trying his hardest not to look bored.

Carey lifted his phaser, and swung it with all of his strength at B'Elana's head!

((CRAAAACK!))

B'Elana very, very, very slowly turned.

Carey stared at the Chief of Engineering, and the shattered remains of his phaser, and decided that this plan had definitely not been one of his best ideas.

"I believe you had best evacuate the premises, Mr. Carey." Vorik said, calmly and disdainfully.

"I think your right." Carey said, and took about three steps backwards before B'Elana grabbed him by the front of the shirt.

"YOU *#$&(*@# @(#*$&(@%*^ @#(*$&@*(# (!@*#$&!(% !%^(#@&@*#&(!%*(!@*&!(@*% (!!!!!!!!!!!" B'Elana screamed at the top of her lungs.

"I'm sorry!" Carey whimpered.

"$%*# #$* #*$& @%*@# (*%(@*(*!!!!!!!!!" B'Elana continued.

By now, the surrounding panels and consoles were beginning to glow bright red, and the air was heating up considerably. Vorik took a calm step backwards, watching this spectacle with a mix of boredom and indifference. 

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" B'Elana screamed.

"I think that is a perfectly reasonable way to feel!" Carey whimpered.

"THEN YOU WON'T MIND ME DOING THIS!" B'Elana screamed.

:: Ten minutes later, Sickbay::

"Lieutenant! What did I tell you about killing crew members?" The Doctor demanded.

B'Elana shrugged. "I didn"t KILL him..."

::Deck Fifteen::

Tuvok walked up to the door. 

Behind that door was a Space Turtle.

Now, Tuvok never managed to stop a Space Turtle without blowing it up.

This was his moment of truth. Of dignity. 

Could he conquer the Space Turtle without destroying it?

Could he do it?

Could he?

Tuvok was a Vulcan. Such thoughts of future consequences were close to alien with him. You didn"t hope and pray for the future... you acted to control what would happen... acted in your own benefit, weighing the odds and acting in a way that would help you to succeed.

He could not help feel a slight anxiety about this, however.

Many times he had failed in so simple a task. Never before had a breed of turtles frustrated him so!

And then there was the matter of the Captain... who would likely attempt to harm him with her lesser human strength if he killed another turtle.

From behind the door, the Space Turtle was ramming it with metronomic slowness... ::Stomp... Stomp... Bang! Stomp... stomp... Bang!::

Dents were beginning to appear in the heavily armored door. It was now or never.

"Computer... open doors." Tuvok ordered, readying his phaser.

The doors opened, and the blue Space Turtle came barreling out, albeit a bit slowly.

Tuvok fired.

The turtle exploded.

For a second, Tuvok let the turtle guts cover him and the hallways, silently looking over the variables which had affected the demise of this, the last Space Turtle.

He then shrugged, and abandoning all Vulcan dignity, began to scream at the top of his lungs.

Captain Janeway's commbadge beeped. "Janeway here." She snapped.

"Captain, this is Lieutenant Tuvok." Tuvok said, his voice stiff as a shirt with too much starch.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" Janeway asked. "How goes the Space Turtle thwarting today?"

"I regret to inform you, Captain, that the Space Turtle has exploded." Tuvok replied.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO BLOW IT UP!" Janeway screamed, leaping out of her chair. Tom, who had been approaching with a platter on which coffee was being served, leaped underneath his consel. 

"My apologies, captain." Tuvok replied. "However, I can not find any way to reverse the effects of the explosion."

"Of course you Can't, you pointy-eared git!" Janeway screamed. "I JUST DEMAND TO KNOW WHY YOU BLEW UP ANOTHER ONE!"

"The LAST one." Tuvok stressed.

"Lieutenant... please report to the bridge." Janeway said silkily.

"Aye, Captain." Tuvok said, in a tired-sounding voice.

As he walked along the halls, he encountered Seven, aka Frogwoman the Eternal, the Eternal Frogwoman, etc, etc. "Seven of Nine. May I ask what you are doing?" Tuvok asked.

"I AM NOT SEVEN OF NINE!" Seven screamed, looking up guiltily from the Playgirl data PADD she was holding. 

"Then who, may I ask, ARE you?" Tuvok questioned.

"I am... FROGWOMAN!" Seven shrieked.

"I beg to differ." Tuvok replied calmly. "For, I see no amphibic qualities." 

Seven pointed at a Borg implant. "Then what do you call that?"

"A Borg implant." Tuvok replied. "NOT scales or an exoskeleton of any sort."

Seven was beginning to look deflated. "Then if I'm not Frogwoman the Eternal, then who AM I?"

"You're Seven of Nine. We've been telling you that throughout the entire story." Tuvok replied.

Seven looked confused. "Not the ENTIRE story..."

"Well, correct. We have been telling you this since the last chapter or so." Tuvok said.

Seven considered this. "You are... correct." She said, looking amazed.

"Indeed." Tuvok said, and turned, marching off down the halls.

"Lieutenant? Where are you going?" Seven asked.

"I am going to the Bridge." Tuvok said.

"May I ask for what reason?" Seven asked.

"Well... I believe the Captain is going to shoot me." Tuvok replied.

"Isn't it illogical to proceed to your almost certain doom?" Seven asked.

"Indeed." Tuvok agreed. "But it seems more illogical to hide from the captain. Then she would have reason to send my security teams after me." 

He turned, and resumed his march to the bridge.

Picard walks into the room, holding a stack of papers in his arms. He begins to walk around, handing a little booklet to every member of the crew he can find. He hands a booklet to Vorik.

"Sir, may I inquire about what this is?" Vorik asked.

Picard smiled. "Of course, Ensign. It's the script to the next story."

Vorik looked confused. "To the next story, sir?"

"Of course, Ensign." Picard replied. "There will be another story airing soon after this one. Also quite silly, I hear."

"I have come to expect that." Vorik replied. "However, I did not realize that there was ever a script to follow."

"There's always a script to follow." Picard replied airily. "Unfortunately, no one ever follows it."

"Indeed. Thank you, sir." Vorik said.

Picard nodded. "Good day, Ensign." He said, and walked on, handing a script to Ensign #116.

::Bridge::

Tuvok stepped out of the turbolift.

Janeway began to strangle him.

"Neelix to the Captain!" Neelix exclaimed, his excited voice bursting over the commlink.

Janeway looked up from strangling Tuvok, who had been putting up little or not resistance to this point. "Janeway here, what is it, Neelix?" She asked.

"I"ve just discovered something about the Space Turtle Surprise!" He exclaimed. "This is actually THE miracle formula, when mixed with Leola root, it makes the ship"s engines go up to warp 10!"

"Amazing! Quick, send some of it to engineering!" Janeway exclaimed, letting Tuvok breathe for a minute.

"Uh... there"s a slight problem with that, Captain." Neelix said.

"What." Janeway said, her eyes suddenly narrowing.

"The last of the Space Turtle Surprise as just been eaten!" Neelix announced.

The screen pans to a shot of Voyager from the outside.

A horrible scream rents the silent nature of space, which is followed by a slight gurgle.

And the majestic ship powers up her engines and shoots off.

In the small photography shuttle, one Ensign stares after the ship. "They left me behind. Again."

THE END!

****


	6. Worthless and evil Epilogue

Oboebyrd: Well, what do you all think? Do you think it was worth it to spend half an hour reformatting and reworking Space Turtles? Do you think I royally wasted my time? Do you think I was a moron to even write the story in the first place?

Space Turtle: I don't.

Oboebyrd: Hey! Didn't Tuvok zap you?

Space Turtle: Well, yeah. But as I'm technically a figment of your imagination anyway, it doesn't matter.

  
Oboebyrd: Go away!

All around her, people in the internet-café are staring at Oboebyrd as if she has grown an extra limb. Which she might have.

Oboebyrd: Anyway. This being my favorite piece of work I've ever, ever done, I felt I HAD to revamp it. Do you guys want more Oboebyrd insanity? If so, I'll happily continue putting letters upon computer screen in the correct order to form functional English Words. If not, I'll probably do it anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Okay, this is Oboebyrd, signing out. Good night!


End file.
